A Makeover
by Nyades Road Ghost
Summary: Xander Harris recieves a makeover from America's favorite group of gay men from the show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy".
1. Let's Get Started

DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything but the emotional workout that follows.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: All of the guys are awesome, especially Jai. I really hope you guys like this. I hope you have as much fun reading it as I had writing it. Sorry if I screwed up the characters too much. I bet if this were a screenplay the show wouldn't be close to an hour, but that's ok.

STATUS: One shot. I might consider doing a spin-off with some other male characters, though.

REVIEWS: Please! Even if you want to flame me because you've got something stupid against gay people, that's alright. I'll let you vent.

Five very gay men sat in a SUV with the license plate "FAB 5", discussing their next victim. 

"So what's the sitch?" Ted, the Food and Wine guy, called from the back.

"The sitch." Jai, the Culture guy, repeated with a smile.

"Well, let's see." Carson, the Fashion guy, said as he examined the folder in his hands. "One Alexander Harris. Oooh, he's a construction worker."

"Rough and tough." Thom, the Interior Design guy, said from behind the driving wheel. He proceeded to give a dorky chuckle.

"Not too bad." Kyan, the Grooming guy, said as he looked at the pictures of Alexander Harris. "We've seen worse."

"Yeah." Jai laughed.

"He likes to be called Xander." Carson announced.

"What do we have for him?" Ted asked.

"Well, it looks like he's throwing a party for his friend, Buffy Summers." 

"Ooooh…I smell a romance here." Kyan smiled as he handed the photos back.

"Doesn't say what kind. Hmmm…"

Thom parked the car and the Fab Five ran out onto the street and up to Xander's apartment.

"H-hello?" Xander squeaked as he opened the door, scared by all the cameras.

"'Scuse me." Carson pushed aside, as did the other three.

"Hi, Xander, right?" Thom shook his hand. "We're from the show 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' and we're here to help you throw that party for your girlfriend and get you cleaned up."

"My – my what?" He stuttered.

Meanwhile, Kyan was taking a peek at the bathroom. "What is going on here?" He said with mild disgust. He picked up a couple bottles of hair products, otherwise known as hair gel. "For a shiny mane that any ex-demon would love…" He read off. He looked at the camera.

"It's like a circus in here." Carson announced from his spot in the bedroom closet. "Look at this," He gestured for Jai to join him. "It's filled with tents…" He pulled a couple holey, dirt covered shirt out and dropped them, Jai laughing. "It's like he's never heard of a washing machine…"

"No, she's not my girlfriend. I-,"

"She will be when we get through with you." Thom interrupted. 

"No, you don't understand. She's my friend. Not my best, that's Willow-,"

"Oooh, Willow. Cute name." Ted said while passing into the kitchen. "Secret drawer here…" He waggled his eyebrows and pulled out a drawer filled with bottles of holy water, stakes, cloves of garlic, you know. "What in god's name is this…"

Carson pulled out a shirt covered in green goo, and another in blood, and another with some purplish substance that still hadn't dried. "What do you think they're doing in that construction business?" 

"Hey, guys, come here!" Kyan called. He was digging through a wall closet. "I found a stash in here…" All four were peeking over his shoulder, a couple of them covering their mouth and snickering.

"No, I'm serious, this might not be-," Xander stopped dead. "What are those?"

"I guess someone has a weird past time…" Ted winked at him. 

"He's actually kinda cute, you know. I usually don't go for those blonde-haired blue-eyed guys." Carson aimed a picture at the camera. It was a very naked Spike taking a shower, parts of him blurred. "Aren't we supposed to be making over straight guys?"

"Oh, check out this one." Jai stuck another one in front of the camera. This one was of Spike, again, sleeping on his cot in the buff. And again with the blurring.

"Oh my god." Xander snatched them out of their hands. "How the hell-,"

"Eeew," Thom mumbled as he stepped into the bathroom. He pulled back the silver shower curtain and cringed at the sight of the shower. There was the same purplish substance that was on Xander's shirt gathered near the drain. It appeared to be moving. "Is that – did that just move?" He chuckled, but still held firmly to the curtain.

"What _is _this?" Ted asked himself as he touched some of the purplish stuff on the Fridge handle. "Do you think it's some kind of yogurt?"

Carson was back at throwing away clothes, this time starting on the pants. "I'm starting to believe this town has never heard of Laundromats. I mean, this is just bad." He pulled out some underwear, probably to be sure he had some, and threw them down and made a face. 

Jai turned on the stereo and was surprised to hear Sarah McLachlin come from the speakers. 

"I haven't listened to it in a while, I usually don't-," Xander tried to explain. Jai grabbed Thom and they began to slow dance dramatically. 

"Do you listen to this when that All-American blonde guy is over here?"

"No, he's from England I think, and he's never-,"

"An import." Thom laughed.

Carson clapped his hands. "Well, I think we'll take Mr. Lucky here and head off to shop for new clothes." He took Xander's hand and led him out the door. Kyan followed. Xander looked around wildly.

"What are those three going to be doing when I'm gone?"

"Drooling over your stash of pictures." Carson answered.

*Commercial Break, end of chapter one*


	2. Suprise, Suprise

Buffy Summers (The Girlfriend): You know, I don't think his style is too bad. I mean, you have to take into consideration that all year, really since high school, he's been helping us fight d…d…dead-beat dads. *Uncomfortable Cough* *Sideways glance*

Willow Rosenberg (The Best Friend): I think he definitely needs to change his hair. I think he's trying to go for the Shaggy look, you know, from Scooby Doo. He's really obsessed with that show. He calls all of us "The Scoobies".

"Spike" (The…Special Friend?): He's a nerd. Anyway you look at it. Aren't you supposed to be going after straight guys? I have serious suspicions that that boy is a Nancy, if you catch my drift.

Richard Hankins (The Co-Worker): I don't know much about his fashion. I would sort of like to see a clean shirt, though. He always has these brown stains, and I think it's because he repairs cars in his spare time. It'd be nice to see him spruced up. (Off screen voice: Will you be attending the party?) What? There's a party?

*******************

"Kyan, what are we thinking about doing with his hair?" Carson asked from his usual position in the front passenger seat.

"Well, Xander, your hair really isn't too big of an issue. I think what we'll do is just trim it up a little. I'm not sure that the shag look is the right look for your…face shape." He said while propping his chin up with his hand.

"You've got those chubby cheeks, like a lil' chipmunk." Carson teased. "I don't know about clothes…What do you think of cowboy?"

"What? Cowboy? I-,"

"Oh, that'd be sexy, wouldn't it?" Kyan remarked. "I can't just see those dust covered jeans."

"But I think that's what we have to avoid. He needs some clean clothes." He turned to Xander. "You're a big boy now and I think it's time you stop making those mud pies in the back yard."

"Mud pies? I don't make mud pies."

"Then what are those stains?" Kyan asked.

"Oh, yeah…" He laughed uncomfortably. "I – I didn't want to admit it but that's what it is. Mud pies. With my…nephew." 

"Oh, you have siblings? Do we get to see them?"

"They're…dead." 

"All of them?"

"Yup. My niece is in foster care but I still see her."

"Nephew, you mean."

"Yeah. Nephew."

They found a store in the mall and ran inside. "I keep forgetting, Carson, we're a long ways from New York." Kyan said. 

"Try this on." Carson threw a pile of jeans and assorted t-shirts into Xander's arms.

"But I-,"

"Go." He shoved him into a changing room. He hesitantly came out a few minutes later in a pink sequined shirt and some tight fitting jeans.

"God no. This is terrible." He said, looking down at himself. Carson took him in.

"Guess you were a little heavier than I thought. We'll get you another pair of jeans, don't worry. But that shirt is _phenomenal _on you. It goes great with your skin tone. They'll love it." He turned around and went back into the changing room, emerging a moment later in some loose khaki's and a dark green and yellow striped polo shirt. 

"A little too dressy for your occasion, I think." Carson twirled his finger. "Spin for me." Xander obeyed. "Doesn't fit quite right in the crotch area." He indicated the area he was talking about on Xander, making him turn read. "Oh, you know you like it. I saw those pictures."

Back at his apartment, Thom and Jai were organizing his bedroom. 

"Oh my god, look at these." Jai came out of his closet with some more photos. Thom put his hand over his mouth and took a look at them.

"What is his deal?" Thom showed one to the camera. It was a picture of Andrew skinny-dipping in the local pool. It was blurry in places. "I bet he's having a grand old time with Carson." He chuckled.

In the living/kitchen areas Thom and Jai were dusting and organizing, finding an assortment of odd things including a surplus of handcuffs and other paraphernalia, a few more pictures, the expected protections against evil, and that purplish slimy stuff. There was really no escaping it and it didn't come up very easy. 

"Hey, have you heard of this movie called 'Saving Silverman'?" Xander asked, standing there in some seventies-ish jeans and a blue shiny shirt.

"I've never seen it." Carson answered. "What about you, Kyan? You seen it?" He shook his head.

"Well, the guys in it have this Neil Diamond cover band…" Kyan laughed at that.

"You don't look like Neil Diamond, I swear. Actually, I think this is what you'll wear to that party of yours. What do you think?"

"Oh, yeah." Carson put his hands on Xander's shoulders. "Let's go to the salon now." They ran out to their SUV.

Ted walked into a catering place and walked up to the counter. "Yeah, hi. My friend is having a get together with some of his friends and I was thinking about having you all, uh, cater my friend's party." He took a bite of a little sandwich. "This is alright, but do you have something with salmon?" 

"How many people will we have to feed?" The lady behind the counter asked politely.

"Oh, I hadn't thought of that." He got out his cell phone. "Yeah, Carson? How many people are we talking about?" He paused, listening. "That many?" He laughed. "Ok, great. Thanks." He hung up. "About fifty." He announced.

The scene switched to Jai sitting heavily on a couch. "I like this one. Bouncy." He began bouncy some more, and Thom was talking to the furniture sales guy.

Thom pointed out a painting to Jai. It was kind of cracked, it was a painting of grapes. "You like it?" 

"Yeah, we could paint the walls that color maybe."

 *Commercial break, end of chapter two*


End file.
